Did I Let Myself Down?

I woke up today, in a sense, hating myself. I’m going to disclose something only a handful people knew about 8 months ago when I wrote the post below. Today was to be my last day. My last day working in technology. My last day on any and every social media platform. My last day for a lot of things. It was to be my first day on a new journey. To where I didn’t then and still don’t today have the answer to.  I was simply going to “figure it out”.  This may come as a shock to some, maybe not so much to others, but please keep reading.

We’ve all been affected in different ways by the pandemic, world news, workload, family, and a dozen other things in our own way.  Let’s be honest I have never been one to hide my emotions and frustrations.  It’s put a spotlight on me in various ways, but I’ve never actually cared about that.  I am who I am, and I accept who I am.  Eight months ago, I was serious about today.  I had a to do task in my phone to write my resignation with my last workday being today, April 1st.  Yes, I know the irony and yes it was intended to “look” like an April fool’s joke, but it was dead serious.

When I made that decision, frankly I was tired, run down, in some ways depressed.  I have also spoken many times about how I have worked very hard to get more financially stable, have less debt, and be in a place where I could make such a decision.  Full disclosure, yes even my good friend and financial advisor told me I might be a little crazy.  However, not having to travel over 50% of my life for over a year was enlightening.  It was freeing.  Yes, hotel and airline status were always nice, but make no mistake, it’s hard on you physically and mentally.  I started to enjoy being home and saw the writing on the wall.  The travel would come back and when it did it was going to be with a fury.  Guess what?  I was right too.  Just look around at all the in-person events starting to spin up, in some cases back-to-back it a sort of over rotation to make up for all the lost time.

Look, I miss seeing people I respect and care about too, BUT…..I really didn’t want to start living on planes and in hotels again at nearly 50 years old.  I would always like “some” travel, but not that level.  It was honestly crazy in 2019 the time away I racked up .  At that point in time eight months ago, I told myself I just didn’t want to do the same thing again and again, over and over.  I realized I was also getting pretty bored at the same time.   After all the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.  I have never been one to enjoy the Groundhog Day type of work, but I digress.

So today was supposed to be my “last day”, so what changed?  The only constant in life is change.  Someone found me.  They gave me a new opportunity to do something without changing who I am.  They “wanted me on that wall” and “needed me on that wall”.  I felt like I could be heard, make a difference, and be an agent of change again.  It inspired me and re-ignited something in me.  It gave me things to critically think about again.

That being said, the last couple weeks have been frustrating, for different reasons but also a lot of good things have happened as I push my initiative forward.  Today has made me ask if I did the right thing, and I truly do believe I did, but the frustration sometimes makes me wonder.   I need to take a breath and slow down here and there.  I’ve been told I can be “too much of a bulldog” and when I get frustrated, I will admit that bulldog tends to come out.  I’ve always said my emotions should rarely be seen as “anger” when they really are more passion around doing things right.  I know I can affect change I just need to remember no change happens overnight, and let’s be honest people that know me can tell you I sometimes don’t have a lot of patience.  Something I need to work on I know.

However, all of this does not change the feeling I have today that I maybe, in some small way, sold myself out, let myself down, caved to the will of “something” else.  While the circumstances didn’t change the plan(s) I set in motion (years ago) to be more fiscally responsible, pay down debt, and get to a place where I really could just walk away do, and will always remain in place.  We should all have a date, but today I can look myself in the mirror today and be just a little disappointed in myself for not “technically” meeting my goal I set forth for myself, while at the same time knowing I am in a good place again overall and happy. Let’s face it I can be happy and something will always frustrate me, it’s just who I am . Nobody is harder on me than me. It also goes to show that people who are not always in a great place can be pulled out of it and given new reasons to use their skills. To the person that did that for me, I greatly appreciate it.

About Chris Colotti

Chris is active on the VMUG and event speaking circuit and is available for many events if you want to reach out and ask. Previously to this he spent close to a decade working for VMware as a Principal Architect. Previous to his nine plus years at VMware, Chris was a System Administrator that evolved his career into a data center architect. Chris spends a lot of time mentoring co-workers and friends on the benefits of personal growth and professional development. Chris is also amongst the first VMware Certified Design Experts (VCDX#37), and author of multiple white papers. In his spare time he helps his wife Julie run her promotional products as the accountant, book keeper, and IT Support. Chris also believes in both a healthy body and healthy mind, and has become heavily involved with fitness as a Diamond Team Beachbody Coach using P90X and other Beachbody Programs. Although Technology is his day job, Chris is passionate about fitness after losing 60 pounds himself in the last few years.

2 comments

  1. “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!”

    I feel this post in so many ways. When the travel does start again, it will be a slog living through all the trivial and pedantic meetings that are simply an attempt to overcome the fear, uncertainty, and doubt of others with nothing more than confidence & charisma. And to what end? To solve a problem artificially created by previous attempts at curbing the FUD. At least it pays well…

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